Newsjack - Series 21

Episode 1 - Broadcast 12/09/19

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GOOD WEEK / BAD WEEK

It’s been a bad week for Jacob Rees-Mogg, as he was universally condemned for displaying 'contemptuous' body language to MPs as he lay sprawled across the government front bench

It’s been a good week for, Photoshoppers and meme makers

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It’s been a good week for a 73-year-old woman in southern India who has given birth to healthy twin girls.

It’s been a bad week for Donald Trump as searching ’73-year-old baby’ means he now gets less hits on Google.

 
Episode 2 - Broadcast 19/09/19
 

BREAKING NEWS

A museum in Amsterdam has dropped the term ‘Golden Age’ when describing the Netherlands in the 17th century. The term was said to be linked with prosperity and peace but ignored the many negative connotations of that time including poverty, war, forced labour and human trafficking. The terms for the 20th and 21st centuries were also under review by the Amsterdam authorities, but will remain unchanged and continue to be known as the ‘stoned age.’

Emmerdale actor Asan N’Jie has been fired from the soap for making threats to kill Hollyoaks star, Jamie Lomas, after the pair came to blows at the TV Choice awards in London. Following his dismissal by ITV executives, N’Jie said he was “devastated” and that his behaviour was “completely unacceptable.” Jamie Lomas meanwhile has acted even more appallingly, as can be seen weeknights at 6.30, on Channel 4.

 

GOOD WEEK / BAD WEEK

It’s been a bad week for singer Adele, as she has filed for divorce from her estranged husband, following their split earlier this year.

It’s been a good week for singer Adele’s fans, as she will now have enough material for several new albums.

Episode 3 - Broadcast 26/09/19

 

One of these made it into the script, but not the final edit. Unfortunately, I don't know which one.

 

BREAKING NEWS

One of King Edward VIII’s wisdom teeth is expected to fetch £10,000 when sold at auction. “How much?!” said a mortified Ms. T Fairy, of no fixed abode.

 

John Bercow, has apologised for failing to declare a company on the MP’s register of interests. The Outgoing commons speaker apologised unreservedly, saying it was completely out of ORDERRRRRRR!

 

Footballer, Cristiano Ronaldo, revealed that as a young player in Lisbon, he was regularly given left-over hamburgers by McDonald’s staff to help fuel his training. Similarly, his former Manchester United team-mate Wayne Rooney, could often be found after training, on the lookout for old meat.

 

GOOD WEEK / BAD WEEK

It’s been a bad week for film, ‘The Goldfinch,’ as damning reviews have branded it “bland” and a “gigantic waste of time”.

But it’s been a good week for ‘The Independent Group for Change’, as that’s two search terms they’ll no longer have to worry about.

 

Episode 4 - Broadcast 03/10/19
 

Having made it into the script but not broadcast last week, I had really high hopes for a couple of these as I genuinely thought they were some of the best jokes I had submitted. Alas dear listener, it was not meant to be.

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BREAKING NEWS

Lost footage of The Beatles from the 1960s has emerged after being found in a bread bin in Wales. The film-reels are expected to sell for around £10,000 each when they go under Maxwell’s Silver Hammer at auction.

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A Los Angeles-based cinema chain has said it will refuse entry to screenings of the new Joker film to anyone wearing masks, costumes or with painted faces; “I guess I will have to see it when I return home to Canada then, eh,” said one disappointed film fan.

 

GOOD WEEK / BAD WEEK

It’s been a bad week for the Labrador-poodle crossover as the creator has said the invention was his “life’s regret.”

But it’s been a good week for the crossover of a Bullmastiff and a Shih Tzu, as Brendan O’Carroll has begun writing the Mrs Brown’s Boys Christmas Special.

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It’s been a good week for The Fordwich Arms in Canterbury as it was named AA Restaurant of the year, for its exceptional use of local ingredients.

But it’s been a bad week for Zizzi in Salisbury, as it came last in the same category.

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Episode 5 - Broadcast 10/10/19
 

Didn't set aside as much time as I would have liked this week and really struggled when I finally did sit down to write. Had a few stories in mind to write jokes for but nothing came, so went with what I had, which wasn't the best. Was not expecting an email this week and wasn't disappointed. I uhmmed and aaahed about one joke as it was a rehash of someone else's. I decided to send it in, but with the caveat that it wasn't mine originally.

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BREAKING NEWS

Jeremy Clarkson has revealed that he will be spending a year as a farmer for a new show to be broadcast on Amazon Prime. Viewers are looking forward to seeing him cultivate some top gear.

An entrepreneur in Ecuador has begun selling guinea-pig flavoured ice cream. Demand for the snack has grown quickly, but it is only available at a single location. When asked, “do you deliver”, the inventor replied “no, but I’m thinking of doing crab, chicken and pork.” (Sent this note with the joke: If this joke is used you also need to credit Peter Kay – although I’ll be keeping the money!)

 

GOOD WEEK / BAD WEEK

It’s been a good week for cooked breakfast lovers, as a new study suggests there are no serious health risks from eating processed meats such as sausages and bacon.

But it’s been a bad week for, pigs.

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It’s been a good week for an Israeli food technology start-up as it has successfully managed to cultivate meat aboard the International Space Station.

But it’s been a bad week for the cow that jumped over the moon.

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Episode 6 - Broadcast 17/10/19
 

Spent a decent amount of time going through the paper and BBC News website, managed to highlight a few stories with potential. Ended up just submitting two "one liners" one of which made the script again, but not the final edit! Since my Epiphany, after writing down some of the jokes from week two and applying the same rhythm to what I wrote going forward, I have had far more success- shame I didn't figure this out sooner!

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BREAKING NEWS

Danish brewer Carlsberg is developing a fully recyclable paper beer bottle made from sustainably sourced wood fibre. The company has said that the finished product would in no way alter the taste of the beer; disappointing drinkers everywhere. Probably.

The compulsory microchipping of cats is being considered by the Government in England in a move aimed at helping owners retrieve those cats lost or identify those injured or killed on the roads. Owners should be aware however, that were the legislation to be passed, there is currently an average waiting time of 6 to 7 weeks for cat scans.