Breaking the News - Series 27
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Episode 1 - Broadcast 16/02/24
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Opening/Closing Gags
Rat droppings have been found at a nursery in Aberdeen, forcing children to be moved out of their usual classroom. Seeing them scurrying about, dropping food on the floor and then just picking it up and eating it is absolutely disgusting, said a rat.
People climbing Mount Everest will now have to clear up their own poo and bring it back to base camp to be disposed of, authorities have said. Other mountains may now adopt similar policies, although K2 was said to have never been concerned with its number 2 status.
A Freedom of Information request found that CalMac spent £3.85m on unplanned ferry maintenance between April and November 2023. Questions are now being asked as to how that figure arose. Currently there are unsubstantiated rumours that Michael Matherson may have left his iPad on board.
Episode 2 - Broadcast 23/02/24
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Openers & closers
Phillip Schofield made a substantial payment to a colleague he had an affair with, in a deal that came with a non-disclosure agreement. The payment’s recipient was due to be kept anonymous however when the settlement figure was announced, some claimed to have heard numerous delighted high-pitched squeaks.
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AEG Europe has submitted a full planning application to The City of Edinburgh Council for a highly-anticipated 8,500-capacity arena. Organisers of The Festival Fringe were said to be delighted by the news as it could help them attract big-name stars, as well as giving them over 8,000 new beds.
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Tinder is introducing enhanced identity checks for UK users, involving a passport or driver's licence being checked against a video selfie. The new system has experienced some teething troubles though, as when the photo is shown for approval, most users swipe left.
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Round 2: Public Opinion – Story 1: Beyoncé Going Country
Beyoncé’s team will be hoping that the first single from her new album goes a different way to its poker namesake, as Texas Hold ‘Em famously starts with a flop.
Round 3: People in the news – Person 1: Alexei Navalny
No one is fully sure what exactly happened to Mr Navalny, but there’s agreement that it may not have been the best decision to have ordered lunch in from Salisbury’s Zizzi.
With the fate of any opposition decidedly uncertain, the next logical opponent would probably be a hazmat suit wearing locksmith who specialises in windows.
Episode 3 - Broadcast 01/03/24
Openers & closers
Operators of an antiques fair have been slammed after vile Nazi military paraphernalia was openly displayed by a vendor. Locals say they were horrified to see items including an Iron Cross, Swastika armbands and decorative eagles from soldiers’ uniforms for sale at the Glasgow event. The vendor has apologised explaining the items had been obtained from a fancy dress seconds store near Balmoral.
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Criminals and “malign actors” working on behalf of malicious states could use AI-generated “deepfakes” to hijack the general election. Although harder to spot, some deepfakes have elicited some obvious tell-tale signs, such as actually answering the question it was asked.
Donald Trump has appeared to forget his own wife’s name in a recent gaffe. During a speech in Washington he referred to former first lady Melania as ‘Mercedes’. People are unsure how he could make such a mistake, but so far there has been no indication.
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Monica Lewinsky, the anti-bullying activist who found herself at the centre of a 90s media storm after an affair with President Bill Clinton, has been signed by a major fashion brand. Ms Lewinsky was said to be delighted with the commercial tie-in, her first since Sketchley’s.
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A ferry pier in the Western Isles has been reopened almost a year later than expected following a £15m upgrade. A spokesperson for the pier project apologised for the delay saying it had taken far longer than anticipated to install the Go Kart track and arcade.
A Scottish butcher has declared March 25 the world’s first ‘National Square Sausage Day’. The idea was born out of the disappointment people feel when unable to find the Scottish delicacy and it is hoped that by having this day, they’ll no longer be searching forlorn.
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Round 1: Headline News – Story 1: Scottish Council Tax rises are unjustifiable
From early February Glasgow has been named as the “pothole capital of the UK.” Pothole, or as it is usually known, Govan.
Episode 4 - Broadcast 08/03/24
Openers & closers
A magnet fisherman has pulled a rusty 1200-year-old Viking sword from the river Cherwell. The man was delighted with the catch as he said it made a welcome change from catching magnets.
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Three abandoned snakes have been found at Glasgow’s Botanic Gardens. Staff are unsure how the non-venomous corn snakes came to be in one of the glasshouses, however it was reported that nearby they had found a ladder. Along with some counters and dice.
A major TV and film studio complex is to be built in Sunderland after the government confirmed a devolution package for the north-east of England. Film fans will be hoping this may signal a return to a golden age of British cinema as they don’t Mackem like they used to.
Round 1: Headline News – Story 1: Pre-Election Budget
Mr Hunt’s speech went on for just over an hour. Someway short of the longest continuous Budget speech which was by William Gladstone on 18 April 1853, lasting 4 hours and 45 minutes. Although in fairness, Mr Gladstone did have to address the entire population individually.
Round 1: Headline News – Story 2: Trump v Biden, again
Yes, it looks like it is going to be Trump v Biden, again. The most eagerly anticipated sequel since Jaws: The Revenge.
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Yes, it looks like it is going to be Trump v Biden, again. A least-wanted sequel than Titanic 2.
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Round 3: People in the News – Person 2: Serena Williams
When the England players landed in Mexico, not only were they greeted by photographers but hundreds of Mexican fans; some of whom were holding up a huge sign. Or, to give it its full title, the Copa Cup banner.
Episode 5 - Broadcast 15/03/24
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Openers & closers
Archaeologists in Iran have made a remarkable discovery – a 3,600-year-old red lipstick, believed to be the oldest ever found. The item was unearthed alongside another fascinating piece, the original sketch of the iconic Rolling Stones logo.
In celebration of his brother’s recent 60th Birthday, King Charles has awarded, Prince Edward, Scotland’s highest royal honour, the Order of the Thistle. Tall, occasionally prickly, and rarely seen outside of its natural habitat, Prince Edward lives in Surrey.
A Russian film actress and ballerina has been stripped of her Lithuanian citizenship after she declared her support for President Putin and his assault on Ukraine. She just doesn’t know it yet, but her next job could be in Siberia.
The billionaire mining magnate Clive Palmer has vowed to build a vessel “far, far superior than the original” as he unveiled designs for his Titanic II project – again. From a room at Sydney Opera House, Palmer let the world know his vision of building a to-scale replica of the doomed ocean liner would finally come to be. Titanic II- a sequel wanted even less than Trump v Biden.
Miriam Margolyes has told adult Harry Potter fans they ‘should be over it by now’. Devotees of the Wizarding World immediately dismissed the claim saying she’d obviously been victim of a Confundus Charm.
Messages in a bottle written by three Fife schoolchildren 40 years ago have washed up on a beach in Angus. Students sent out messages in a number of ways, including by telephone, by bottle, and even by post; and they are hopeful that those too will turn up any day now.
Boris Johnson was like an "absent" football manager during Covid, an inquiry has heard. Welsh First Minister, Mark Drakeford, criticised the former prime minister's leadership during the pandemic. Although not everyone was in agreement, as Mr Johnson’s work ethic has been praised highly, by the board of Watford FC.
Round 2: Public Opinion – Story 1: The ‘Happiness Hacks’ that can improve your mental health
Happiness hack? Isn’t that what Lorena did to her husband John Wayne Bobbitt.
Round 2: Public Opinion – Story 2: A Scottish Delicatessen has become the toast of North London
Mr Boyd had noticed people were really down that they hadn’t been able to get Scottish food like square sausage locally, so he opened his store, so they’d no longer be looking forlorn.
Episode 6 - Broadcast 22/03/24
Openers & closers
Shigeichi Negishi, the entrepreneur who invented the world’s first karaoke machine, has died aged 100. Asked previously whether he feared death, he responded: well, at first I was afraid, I was petrified.
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The advertising watchdog has received more than 40 complaints following the release of a JD Sports ad which shows motorcyclists wearing trainers - footwear deemed unsuitable for riding a motorbike. Criticism could have been far worse however had they developed an initial draft which depicted the motorcyclists having wings and holding bows and arrows. Fortunately though, they decided early on not to film those cupid stunts.
Prince William has hired a valet responsible for his clothing and appearance to allow him to put more focus on his royal duties, according to reports. The valet has quickly received high praise for his work, as at a recent visit to a farm shop, the Prince was almost unrecognisable.
A musician in Germany has begun a series of piano concerts in which he hangs upside down from a 10-metre-high crane for the duration of the performance. Although some traditionalists are unhappy with the way he intends to play the works, saying it just sounds batty.
Police Scotland has refuted claims that officers have been told to target actors and comedians under the country’s new hate crime laws. Although one performer has disputed this already, saying he was carted off stage mere moments after a misunderstanding between his wife, their baby, and a string of sausages.
British anarchist punk band Chumbawamba has demanded New Zealand deputy prime minister Winston Peters stop using its number one hit Tubthumping at his rallies and events because the band opposes the populist politician’s agenda. Mr Peters says he’ll carry on using the hit as music played a huge part in his early life, and he sings the songs that remind him of the better times.
A consultation has left the public ‘around 50/50’ on ending a ban on drinking on trains, MSPs have heard. Further discussions are still to take place and if they fail to deliver a conclusive answer, they’ll then phone a friend.
A report into severe traffic delays during multiple roadworks in Aberdeen has listed the death of Queen Elizabeth II - six months earlier - as one of the causes. Bosses have tried to justify the inclusion of the late Monarch, saying at the time of her passing, no one was called in to cover her shift.
Episode 7 - Broadcast 29/03/24
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Openers & closers
The Conservatives have deleted an online video that used scenes of a panicked crowd at a New York subway station to criticise Sadiq Khan’s record on crime in London. Questions have now been raised over the authenticity of another video which showed a similarly panicked crowd, running from Godzilla.
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An excited Banksy fan thought he’d spotted the secretive artist working on a mural- but it turned out to be a builder called George. Suspicions were aroused when he asked the ‘artist’ how long the mural would take, and he replied (sucks teeth) “ooh, dunno, a job like this, gonna be at least a couple of weeks…”
Former world heavyweight boxing champion Mike Tyson is hoping to deliver a knockout blow with his new cannabis product - edibles in the shape of nibbled ears. He’d originally considered partnering with an existing dispensary to sell smokeable products, but eventually decided against the joint venture.
Episode 8 - Broadcast 05/04/24
Openers & closers
Five plastic-wrapped packages believed to contain cocaine have washed up on beaches in Sydney, deepening a long-running drug mystery. Australian police thought they finally had a handle on the case so are describing the new discovery as more than just a bitter blow.
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Shopping trolleys have seen a resurgence in popularity as Generation Z shuns shouldering bags on the long walk home from the supermarket. Price may also be a mitigating factor with ‘bags for life’ now costing upwards of £1.50 each, whereas you can get a whole shopping trolley for a pound.
A hapless husband lost a small fortune when he repeatedly bid against himself at an auction - and pushed the price of a painting up to £1,000. The night was almost a lot worse for the man, but fortunately he was outbid at the last moment and lost out on some magic beans.
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A clean water campaign group has claimed that the London section of the River Thames is facing the brunt of sewage dumping. The water is so discoloured the BBC is having to warn anyone with a fear of snakes to avoid the opening titles of Eastenders.
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Seagulls are being forced into our towns by the loss of natural spaces - and we need to learn to live alongside them, say scientists. Although the legitimacy of the scientists has come into question as spotted inside one of the lab coats was a half-eaten pack of chips and a beak.
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Some of Scotland’s oldest golf courses are in danger of disappearing into the sea due to climate change, according to those trying desperately to save them. They are so concerned about the ones between Fife and West Lothian fears are it may soon have to be known as the Firth of FORE!th.
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Round 1: Headline News - Story 1: Scotland’s new Hate Crime Law comes into force
Police Scotland has denied instructing officers to target comedians and actors. Although a performer quickly disputed this claim, saying he was pursued by an officer mere moments after an on-stage spat between his wife, a crocodile, and a string of sausages.
Round 2: Public Opinion - Story 2: New Gladiators series crowns Scottish champion
It wasn’t just on-screen where rules had to be followed. Toilet breaks were routinely monitored and contestants would have to wait for a referee to be told, “you can go on my first whistle.”
Episode 9 - Broadcast 12/04/24
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Openers & closers
*Cheeky version*
A spirit maker based along the Solway shoreline has become the first creator of tequila in Scotland - only it cannot use that name as it’s not distilled in Mexico. Many often confuse Tequila and Mezcal; Tequila is made exclusively from the blue weber agave plant, whereas Mezcal is that Irish-fella who gets his boaby out in Normal People.
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A spirit maker based along the Solway shoreline has become the first creator of tequila in Scotland - only it cannot use that name as it’s not distilled in Mexico. Many often confuse Tequila and Mezcal; Tequila is made exclusively from the blue weber agave plant, whereas Mezcal is that Irish-fella from Normal People.
Humza Yousaf has said the SNP would like to see a conclusion to the marathon police inquiry into its funding and finances. A police spokesperson took issue with the Scottish First Minister, saying it’s not a marathon, it’s a Snickers.
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A television advert in which Italian nuns are offered crisps instead of communion wafers has provoked the ire of conservative Catholics. The ad’s makers only used a plain crisp at the last moment after concerns were raised against depicting the Priest offering them his wotsit.
Munich's beer-soaked Oktoberfest may be declared a "cannabis-free" zone, even though the drug was just legalised. Some had reasoned that the two could work together amicably, but they decided against running the joint-venture.
Episode 10 - Broadcast 19/04/24
Openers & closers
Hollywood actor Leonardo DiCaprio has used his platform to call upon the Scottish Government to declare the country a ‘rewilding nation’. The American actor was keen to get involved with the Scottish Rewilding Alliance coalition, until he found out they were more than 20.
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The Welsh National Opera has announced it will be cutting back on performances due to financial pressures. It also plans to make savings on its productions; The Magic Flute will now be replaced by The Ordinary Kazoo, Madam Butterfly with Missy Moth and Carmen by On-Foot Women.
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Round 2: Public Opinion – Story 1: Day Fever, Scottish Daytime Disco
The daytime disco at Edinburgh's Club Tropicana was almost shut down following unsavoury scenes after a DJ accidentally played the hit of the same name by Wham! and revellers rushed the bar.
Breaking the Euros - Radio Broadcast: 07/06/24 TV Broadcast: 09/06/24
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Openers
Fans heading to the Euros have been warned not to underestimate the strength of German Beer. Although this was quickly laughed-off by Scots Fans insisting they can take a strong drink saying, have you not seen that orange fizzy one we have made from girders.
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A supercomputer has predicted that Scotland have a 50/50 chance to get out of the group for the first time ever in any tournament. Despite being our best odds in some while, many believe Scotland’s chances would have fared even higher if they’d exclusively asked Macs.
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A die-hard Scotland fan is set to embark on an epic 2,000-mile drive to a Euro’s game in a car he purchased online for £400. Well, if you will insist on flying with Ryanair.
A die-hard Scotland fan is set to embark on an epic 2,000-mile drive to Germany in a £400 'tartan banger'. Tartan Army regular, Scott Miller, will be updating The Tartan Banger Facebook page with his progress. There’s not been this much interest in a Tartan Banger since the Bay City Rollers released Bye Bye Baby.
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Round 3: Mystery Voices – Person 1: Steve Clarke
The thing people will most find remarkable about Steve Clarke’s distinguished career as a player and a manager, is that he actually won things at Chelsea.
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Closing Gags – BTN Predictions for the Euros
Gareth Southgate is awarded Knight Companion in the Order of the Thistle, Scotland’s highest honour, following England’s spectacular Group Stage, exit.
On a family holiday, Michael Matheson breathes a huge sigh of relief as the kids come in from watching the Scotland Germany game and he remembers he didn’t pack the iPad.