Breaking the News - Series 22

Episode 1 - 17/06/22

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Wrote for the first time in ages on Tuesday and managed to submit half-a-dozen jokes. Didn't happen for me on the Wednesday. We go again next week.
 

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The first flight taking asylum seekers to Rwanda was due to depart on Tuesday. It was unsure which airline was making the journey, although it’s possible Starbucks has started an airline, as the flight was scheduled to land in Uganda.

 

It’s not just humans who go ape for music and TV streaming services like Spotify and Netflix. Experts have developed a ‘monkey media player’ which lets primates like gorillas, chimps and orangutans use interactive systems to access sounds and videos. Google are said to be monitoring the app closely, with a view to bringing out their own version, *monkey noise* ooh, ooh, ooh Tube. (Enjoy Des!)

 

Bros Star Matt Goss has revealed he owns watches worth more than £1million. Asked whether they were kept in a safe place, the star remained tight lipped saying, I can’t answer, I can’t answer that.

 

Sniffer dogs are to be used to search for hedgehogs on Barra after one of the non-native animals was found on the island for the first time. Their presence on the neighbouring islands of South Uist and Benbecula has been linked to a decline in wading birds. It was thought the dogs had made a discovery straight away, but it was revealed to be a red squirrel carrying a pinecone.

 

Families risk being hit by more summer travel chaos after Ryanair’s Spanish cabin crew voted to strike. So, remember to bare that in mind if you are booking any trips with them to Southern France.

 

A letter from Andrew Lloyd Webber was booed at the closing night of Cinderella in the West End, as he said opening the show during the pandemic had been “a costly mistake”. It was thought Mr Lloyd Webber was spotted at that final performance, but it turned out to be a discarded pumpkin from the carriage scene.

 
Episode 2 - 24/06/22
 

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The Queen is hoping to make her annual trip to Scotland to spend a week at her official residence in Edinburgh, Buckingham Palace has said. If confirmed, you’ll be able to see her majesty between 1.45 and 2.45, but not on Wednesdays, at The Monkey Barrel.

 

Glasgow City Council is to distribute gift cards worth £105 to about 85,000 low-income households across the city as part of its Covid recovery strategy. This move has been widely welcomed, especially in light of recent cards that went out informing people they were to receive just £10, for winning second prize in a beauty contest.

Episode 3 - 01/07/22

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Rabbits should not be fed lettuce as it makes them high, experts have warned. A British Veterinary Association spokesman said: ‘Rabbits need fibre-based plain diets, with plenty of clean hay, grass and leafy greens – not lettuce.’ Although many people believe that it is fine in moderation. It seems that this debate will rumble on, but who will win-out, leaf or Romaine.

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A fan who waited seven hours for Sir Paul McCartney's Glastonbury set says she was "absolutely gutted" she fainted near the start of his performance. Lisa Morris, collapsed after waiting for her "hero" behind the front barriers. Asked whether she felt less disappointed now a few days had passed, she responded, I’ve got to admit it’s getting better, a little better all the time.

 

An Idaho man broke a Guinness World Record by walking 3.4 miles while balancing a guitar on his chin. He’s since said he’s unlikely to try and break the record in the future, because at all times during the attempt, he’d felt under fret.

 
Episode 4 - 08/07/22
 

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An on-duty Ryanair steward drank whiskey from an aircraft's drinks trolley and a small bottle of wine, a court heard. It is likely that he may just escape with a fine, which he will gladly accept as it will be cheaper than having to pay for the drinks from the flight.

 

Glasgow Caledonian University has renamed a building on its campus after singer and activist Annie Lennox. They were also considering naming one after her Eurythmics band mate, but there were concerns there would be unfortunate connotations for ‘House of Stewart’.

 

STORY 1: UK GOVT RESIGNATIONS...

Even long-term advocates of the Prime Minister are beginning to lose faith, with Jacob Rees-Mogg reportedly saying his goose is cooked. But turns out he was actually talking about his dinner.

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Episode 5 - 15/07/22 
 

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BMW has been criticised for putting some of its cars' hardware features behind a paywall - meaning drivers will have to pay more to turn on heated seats, for instance. This isn’t a new phenomenon however, as some cars in the past, usually found outside supermarkets, wouldn’t even move until you put 10 pence in them.

 

STORY 1: TORY LEADERSHIP RACE

Former Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, told the media he wouldn’t be endorsing any candidate saying, "I wouldn't want to damage anyone's chances with my support.". Liz Truss wishes she’d been shown the same courtesy, having been endorsed by both Jacob Resse-Mogg and Nadine Dorries.

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Episode 6 - 22/07/22
 

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A European hub for high-energy laser weaponry is to be based in Livingston, Scotland, a big defence firm has said. The news was welcomed by residents in the West Lothian town and had them beaming from ear to ear. The firm hope to iron out any remaining kinks in the coming weeks.  

 

The Vatican has made sweeping changes to the way it manages its vast wealth after a mishandled investment in a Chelsea property lost millions and led to the prosecution of a cardinal. It’s nice to read a story concerning a catastrophic Chelsea investment that doesn’t involve me, said a delighted Romelu Lukaku.

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Episode 7 - 29/07/22
 

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A primary school which is thought to be one of the oldest in the UK has celebrated its 300th anniversary. Great Wishford Primary School, near Salisbury, welcomed its first pupils in 1722 and marked the milestone this week with a historical display, fancy dress, and a commemorative tree. Some of its former pupils who visited the event were said to be absolutely glowing. Although they had just come from lunch at the local Zizzi.

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Episode 8 - 05/08/22

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Fans celebrated in Trafalgar Square in London after England's victory in the Euro 2022 championship. England beat Germany 2-1 after extra time, with Beth Mead winning best player and the Golden Boot. Mead hasn’t been given this much prominence in the news since the last time a Conservative drinks reception was held at the Reece-Mogg’s.

 

A perfectly preserved fossil of a 40-million-year-old crocodile is set to be auctioned in Glasgow. It is in a collection of 200 fossils and natural history specimens from a retired geologist in the Highlands. Elton John is rumoured to be interested in bidding for the rare artefact, as he’s always been a fan of crocodile rock.

 

A cafe where JK Rowling wrote parts of her Harry Potter books cannot reopen because the building's owner has gone into liquidation, the BBC understands. Fans could hardly believe the news asking whether it was some kind of wind up. Which impressed the receivers as they didn’t think people knew all that much about their work.

 

Morrisons has launched a line of 'carbon neutral eggs' from hens fed on insects reared on the company's own food waste. It was hoping that the eggs would also be classed as organic, but sadly when testing the chickens’ feed, there were definitely signs of insect-inside.

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Episode 9 - 12/08/22

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The Super Rich is paying 13.5% more to rent luxurious central London properties than last summer, research has found. No word yet on how much extra is being paid by the Magnificent Stephen.

 

Domino's Pizza's last stores in Italy have been closed after the firm that operated its outlets in the country filed for bankruptcy, reports say. Almost inevitably, as soon as one store folded, the rest quickly followed.

 

Former US President Donald Trump has said he declined to answer questions as part of a New York investigation into his family's business practices. Mr Trump took the fifth, unlike many of his supporters who allegedly took the Capitol on the sixth.

 

Round 2 – Public Opinion – Story 2: Optimism

I’m an optimistic pessimist, I know things are going to turn out badly, any day now.

 

Round 3 – People in the news – Person 2: Uri Geller

Maybe this was the real reason behind the Trident refit delay? They could take their time as Uri was on the case.

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Episode 10 - 19/08/22

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Spider-Man actor Tom Holland has said he is stepping back from social media, as he finds it can be "detrimental" to his mental health. The actor's social media activity had already become less frequent in recent months, but something keeps drawing him back to the Web.