Breaking the News - Series 18
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Episode 1 - Broadcast 19/02/21
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Openers & closers
Nestle has announced that they are launching a vegan Kit-Kat. The plant-based bar, named Kit-Kat V, was created following public demand. People are hopeful that those enjoying the product will now ‘have a break’ from telling everyone that they are vegan.
Coca-Cola is to test a paper bottle as part of a longer-term bid to eliminate plastic from its packaging entirely. The prototype is made by a Danish company from an extra-strong paper shell that still contains a thin plastic liner. Or, as it used to be known, a straw.
A Lib Dem MSP has apologised after swearing at a female minister during an official video call. Edinburgh Western MSP Alex Cole-Hamilton was caught on camera mouthing swear words at Children's Minister Maree Todd during a parliamentary committee. Although Mr Cole-Hamilton has said it was merely a misunderstanding as he was trying to point out that the ‘duck’ he could see stuck to the wall behind Ms Todd on the video call was coming off. (I reworked this joke and sent it elsewhere, where it was similarly not used!)
Liberal Democrat MSP, Alex Cole-Hamilton has apologised after being caught on camera mouthing swear words at Children's Minister Maree Todd during a Scottish parliamentary committee. Mr Cole-Hamilton said it was a huge misunderstanding, as he was trying to point out that Ms Todd had activated a filter on the video call and was actually telling her to turn the ‘duck off.’
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People in the news - Person 2 - Bill Gates
I’ve had a kebab in Springburn, so I’ve obviously no issue wi’ synthetic meat.
Episode 2 - Broadcast 26/02/21
Openers & closers
Screen siren Sophia Loren has admitted she would frequently cheat on set – at Scrabble. The Oscar-winning legend made the confession whilst on Desert Island Discs, leaving presenter Lauren Laverne aghast. However, this wasn’t too bad as it was on a triple-word square so scored 30 points.
Freemasons have written to the Health Secretary offering all their lodges as mass Covid-19 vaccination centres. If the offer is accepted, vaccinations may not be administered in the usual way, as the lodges are more used to seeing a rolled up trouser leg than a rolled down sleeve.
Gwyneth Paltrow has been mocked for claiming she started the ‘trend’ of wearing Face Masks. The Hollywood star’s children have since said that they’d actually been wearing them around the house a lot longer, especially when mum had lit one of her candles.
Jason Donovan has quit Dancing On Ice after failing to recover from a back injury. The former Neighbours-star was so desperate to return to the show he was prepared to try all kinds of treatments, stating ‘any cream will do’.
A giant teddy was kidnapped by jokers who demanded two sausage rolls for his release. Rainbow the bear vanished last week before a ransom note was found. Police have yet to take the case seriously though, as the kidnappers’ demands are flaky.
Irvine Welsh said work needs to start on a Trainspotting 3 film before the cast all become OAPs. Although some think that could actually work… Choose Fife. Choose a hobnob. Choose a low gear. Choose a bakery. Choose a reasonable sized television. Choose launderettes, buses, DVD players and manual toothbrushes... Choose staying dry and wondering what to eat on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting comfortably on that couch watching brain-enhancing, awe inspiring game shows, putting small chunks of food into your mouth. Choose drifting in and out of sleep, wishing your friends could live in this home, nothing more than a blessing to the lovely, caring adults you brought into this world. Choose your future. Choose Fife... I knew the above had little to no chance of being used, but I enjoyed writing it so...
Headline News - Story 2: Life on Mars
I think it would have been brilliant if the video of the Perseverance rover landing had kicked up the wrapper of a chocolate bar called ‘Earth’.
Controllers have said it could take 4 days, or Sols as they are known on Mars, before the robot begins to rove and use equipment such as its robotic arm. Although, if it’s anything like me, it won’t be fit to do anything after 4 Sols!
Episode 3 - Broadcast 05/03/21
Openers & closers
A man who claims he has fathered dozens of children by offering sperm donations online says demand has risen during the coronavirus pandemic. He has been keen to help as many people as quickly as possible by working hand over fist.
A man who claims he has fathered dozens of children by offering sperm donations online says demand has risen during the coronavirus pandemic. He said he would like to have helped more but he’s been busy with his Prime-Ministerial duties.
Nicola Sturgeon has announced that all secondary school pupils in Scotland will return to classrooms part-time from 15 March. She also confirmed that those in years P4-P7 will be returning full-time on the same date. We are expecting a decision from her any day now regarding P45.
A Californian plastic surgeon is being investigated after he attended a virtual court hearing while operating on a patient. Suspicions were first aroused as when addressing the court, a buzzer went off and the patient’s nose lit up.
A firm selling air from 'unspoiled places' has caused a row by marketing air from Devon as being from the 'Cornish heritage coast.' A spokesperson has since apologised saying it was due to them trying to rush orders out to students in time for fresh-airs week.
Royal Mail has unveiled special post boxes honouring British authors and illustrators to mark World Book Day. An Oban post box has been decorated with characters Hiccup and Toothless from How to Train Your Dragon by author, Cressida Cowell. Although Hiccup and Toothless are most usually associated with riding the dragon than training it.
Edinburgh City Council has written off £1.3m of parking fines, after failing to collect more than 17,000 fixed penalty notices in the last 12 months. They are hopeful of clawing back some of the lost revenue however, by people not claiming the £10 prizes they won coming second in a beauty contest.
Headline News - Story 1: One year of Covid in Scotland
The advice I’d give my March 2020 self is don’t bother with Duolingo. You’ll have forgotten everything you learnt about a week after you’ve given it up in the summer.
Public Opinion - Story 2: An 8-year-old has been given a contract to become a gaming professional
When I was 8, “Fortnite” was when you had a sleepover and built a den out of chairs and old sheets.
23k? I had 48k when I was his age. Or, as it was more well-known, a ZX Spectrum.
People in the News - Person 1: Anas Sarwar
It seems one of the main qualifications you need to become a leader of Labour these days, is for your surname to begin with an S and end in an R.
Episode 4 - Broadcast 12/03/21
Openers & closers
A four-bedroom "charismatic and eccentric" terraced house in Bristol has been sold - with a full organ built into the fabric of the building. The owners hope the sale goes through smoothly, as there were concerns it may have been a Phantom buyer.
The first pieces of meteorite to be found in the UK for three decades have been discovered in a village in the Cotswolds. Carbonaceous chondrite - which is just off the A429 near Stow-on-the-Wold
It was announced on Tuesday night that Piers Morgan had left ITV’s Good Morning Britain. Not the high-profile PM to walk away from their job that most people had banked on.
A helicopter pilot made an 80-mile round trip to pick up a beef sandwich from a farmshop. The shop has been selling takeaways to visiting cyclists during lockdown, so it wasn’t that unusual to see a chopper.
Public Opinion - Story 2: A zoo in China is trying to pass off a dog as a wolf
There have been a number of well-publicised instances of Zoos in China providing poor substitutes; including, inflatable penguins being passed off as real ones, a Tibetan mastiff being passed off as an African cat and bats being passed off as food.
People in the News - Person 1: Nigel Farage
Nigel Farage announced he’d joined celebrity video site Cameo in a social media post which showed him emerging from an old public telephone box. Increasingly found outside village pubs, bright red and now largely obsolete, Mr Farage has also quit UK politics.
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Episode 5 - Broadcast 19/03/21
Openers & closers
Internationally acclaimed cellist Yo-Yo Ma celebrated receiving his second dose of the coronavirus vaccine by performing an impromptu concert for those waiting in line after him. His playing created an excellent atmosphere within the vaccination venue with many hopeful he would perform some of the more famous cello pieces, saying they would welcome Bach with open arms.
German police have solved a nine-year-old burglary after DNA found on a half-eaten sausage matched that of a man detained in France. When the suspect found out the police had uncovered new evidence, he feared for the wurst.
Ants employ similar social-distancing techniques as humans to curb the spread of disease, studies show. A further study will now focus its attention on Decs.
A curry house in Glasgow is trialling the UK’s first drone delivery service – and claims the eco-friendly takeaways are the quickest way to get grub to customers. If the trial proves successful it’s possible the drones will be given names. Suggestions so far include: Korma quickly, Tandronie, and Chicken Tikka Missiler.
An Indian restaurant in Glasgow is trialling the UK’s first drone deliveries – and claims the eco-friendly takeaways are the quickest way to get grub to customers. They are facing some opposition however, as traditional delivery drivers are unhappy with the prospect of an unmanned curry-air service.
People in the News - Person 2: Dominic Raab
One of the images of the new press briefing room featured a Henry Hoover. With a bright red face, childlike features and easy to push around; Boris Johnson was unavailable for comment.
Episode 6 - Broadcast 26/03/21
Didn't write much for BTN this week as I was in a BCG Pro Zoom webinar with Julia McKenzie on Tuesday and spent more time writing my own script on Wednesday. Still happy with the two I managed to submit, mind.
Openers & closers
The French subsidiary of Ikea has gone on trial this week over allegations that it snooped on employees and customers by using private detectives and police officers. The hearing was due to have happened sooner, but it took the prosecution longer than anticipated to assemble the evidence.
A gig contract from the early days of rock band Oasis requesting ‘sober-speaking’ venue staff, 24 cans of quality lager and no fast food has sold at auction for £4000. It was hoped that it would have fetched more, but lost value as it had been Hung In A Bad Place.
Episode 7 - Broadcast 02/04/21
Only managed to get two away this week, and they were on the Thursday having struck out on Tuesday and Wednesday night.
Openers & closers
A 121-year-old chocolate bar with royal connections has been found in the attic of a National Trust property. The bar had been missing for many years and countless searches had been undertaken to uncover it, so they are delighted that it has finally turned up, proving it’s a Marathon, not a sprint.
Japan’s biggest airline is offering first-class dining on a parked plane at £392 a meal. Reviews for the meals have been largely positive, although there have been a few complaints regarding condiments running out, as they’d only been allowed to take 100mls on board.
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Episode 8 - Scheduled to be Broadcast 09/04/21
Didn't manage to write anything this week due to 'events'. Part of me was slightly disappointed that I didn't have time to try to submit at least one thing, but the other part of me cut me huge slack due to the reason for not being in the mood to write comedy. As it transpired, writing anything would have been fruitless anyway as the episode didn't air due to the death of Prince Philip. Funny old world sometimes.
Episode 9 - Broadcast 16/04/21
Only managed to get one away this week, and again it was on the Thursday having struck out on Tuesday and Wednesday night.
Openers & closers
US Pizza chain Domino's announced it is teaming up with an autonomous vehicle company to offer customers in Texas contact-free delivery via robot. Further benefits of robot deliveries are that they are less likely to be affected by weather events – allowing them to deliver all four seasons. Which is great, unless you wanted something else off the menu.
Episode 11 - Broadcast 23/04/21
No, I've not lost it, for some reason this was classed as Episode 11 and not 10? (Maybe because of the Valentine's special?) Managed to submit a few this week and one was even very close to one that was broadcast so it was nice to be close at last. Sadly though, this meant I didn't manage to get a single thing broadcast this series; first time I've struck out since I started submitting in November 2019. Thought a couple of them stood a chance, but alas it was not to be. We go again later in the year. Probably...
Openers & closers
The American space agency has successfully flown a small helicopter on Mars. The drone, called Ingenuity, was airborne for less than a minute, but NASA is celebrating what represents the first powered, controlled flight by an aircraft on another world. Although this claim is being disputed by the people at Kirkwall Airport.
A school library book which extols the virtues of polite behaviour has been duly returned by a pupil - some 32 years later. St John Fisher Catholic High School in Peterborough loaned the hardback titled ‘Manners Make A Difference’ in 1989. The pupil has since politely declined the request to pay a substantial fine.
The Met Office is working with Microsoft to build a weather forecasting supercomputer in the UK. They say it will provide more accurate weather forecasting and a better understanding of climate change. This news has delighted Dad’s everywhere as they have been saying for years that the best way to see what the weather is doing is by using Windows. (A far-better worded version with the same premise was broadcast, so it was nice to be close!)
Public Opinion - Story 1: New Spelling Rules
The new system, Traditional Spelling Revised (TSR), will now be promoted in the hope that if it gains support. This name was chosen following potential issues with the original simpler name that was put forwards: Spelling Historically Is Tough.