Breaking the News - Series 16
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Episode 1 - Broadcast 27/06/20
Openers & closers
A huge moth had a 24-hour adventure when it was rescued from certain death by a little boy in Banff – before being nursed back to health and finding a mating partner. The family were glad to finally see the moths happily back outside, but regretted trying to get a better view of the pair, by turning the light on.
The Lord of the Rings new TV series is on the lookout to cast 'funky' and 'unusual'-looking people in New Zealand as a bizarre casting call has been released ahead of the highly-anticipated upcoming show. Auditions for the part of Gollum, were rumoured to have taken place in the UK in April, in the town of Barnard Castle.
An animal lover in Canterbury hatched a gosling during lockdown and is now said to be turning heads walking his new pet around the town. After all of the furore in the media of late, it is nice to finally see a positive news story from England involving goose-stepping.
Road guidance warns driving wearing flip-flops could land motorists a £5,000 fine, 9 penalty points and a ban. A heavy price to pay, for life on the open-toed.
Episode 2 - Broadcast 03/07/20
Openers & closers
New figures have shown there was a 71% increase in drivers caught speeding in London when the coronavirus lockdown started. With some drivers in the English capital reportedly managing speeds in excess, of 12 miles per hour.
Heinz are launching ketchup, salad cream, BBQ sauce and mayo ice cream kits. But, rather than sell the ice cream itself, the company are selling a kit with everything you need to create it at home. Heinz are pleased to be breaking away from its traditional 57 varieties, into hundreds and thousands.
If there continues to be outbreaks, can you imagine pop-up mask shops being a thing? Like Calendar Club in the run up to Christmas.
Although it is possible Mr Blair doesn’t want to go into the kitchen in case it is strewn wi’ pans of mashed reductions.
It wouldn’t have been as surprising if Kieran Tierney had had an old Guinness bag. Because every Arsenal fan is hoping, Good things come to those who wait.
Most football fans were surprised it wasn’t a Sainsbury’s bag. “Try Something New Today” you know, like winning.
Episode 3 - Broadcast 10/07/20
Openers & closers
Rock legend Elton John is to be commemorated on a £1,000 gold coin celebrating his musical legacy. The Royal Mint in south Wales is to sell coins featuring Sir Elton's glasses and straw boater hat to mark his career of more than 50 years. When asked why they went with a gold coin, a spokesperson said, I guess that’s why they call it Doubloons.
Bridget Jones creator Helen Fielding has rubbished claims that Mark Darcy is based on Sir Keir Starmer. There have been rumours that Colin Firth’s reserved lawyer character was inspired by the barrister turned Labour leader. There has been no word yet from the Estate of Barbara Euphan Todd as to Worzel Gummidge’s likeness to another current party leader.
A woman has stunned the internet after she cleaned her fruit and vegetables in the dishwasher in an online video. Reviews of the footage have said that it started slowly, but then there was a strong Finish.
It amazes me that people have paid good money to use these virtual assistants, essentially because they can’t work out how to use their oven timer.
Episode 4 - Broadcast 17/07/20
Openers & closers
First Minister Nicola Sturgeon has said any move to place restrictions on visitors from England to Scotland would be based on risk, not politics. Negotiations are now underway as to where they will play the dice-based strategy board game.
Priti Patel is to unveil further details of the new immigration system for the UK after Brexit. The new system is set to come into force on New Year's Day, immediately ending freedom of movement with the EU. Many people within Scotland will be unaffected however, as they are used to having issues with freedom of movement the day after Hogmanay. (A slightly differently worded version of this was broadcast and I was given credit for the joke, along with Chris Douch, as we had both sent in similarly worded versions 🤗)
Gwyneth Paltrow has revealed that she bought her 14-year-old a boob puzzle during lockdown "just for fun." Although completing the puzzle became slightly awkward one night when the power went off, and they had to light a candle.
According to a survey, 73 per cent of parents said they had thought of better names for their children after naming them. “Well, it’s a bit late for that now,” responded a despondent Survey.
SNP MP John Nicolson’s cat brought a temporary halt to a Parliamentary committee with a partial appearance via webcam. At one point it was thought that George Galloway had fast-tracked his planned return to Scottish politics. (Mr Nicholson accidentally 'liked' this when I posted it on Twitter, but then 'unliked' it shortly after, but I could still see it in Tweetdeck! 👀)
A rare version of the classic 1985 Super Mario Bros has sold at auction for $114,000 (£90,000), the most ever paid for a video game. Although the buyer may be disappointed when he tries to play it, and it turns out it’s actually cake.
If I want to queue for over an hour and have a disappointing experience, I’ll carry on using the Maryhill Tesco.
Actress Juilia Sawahla has been outraged to find out she will be replaced for the upcoming Chicken Run sequel. So the age-old question remains unanswered; which came first, the chicken or the neg?
Facing a tough re-election battle, US President Donald Trump has replaced his campaign manager. His campaign will now be run by a Mr Russ Ian Inter-ference of Moscow, Idaho.
Transport for London cleaners have said they did not know graffiti on a London Underground train was by world-renowned artist Banksy when they removed it. Although this does now explain why someone came to lost property asking if anyone had handed in a massive shredder.
Gary Barlow has made the surprise claim that he was handed a starring role as a bar singer in one of the Star Wars movies – but the scene got cut. Mr Barlow was said to have adapted a medley of Take That hits for the film including, A Millennium Love Songs, How Deep is Yoda Love and Relightsaber My Fire.
Episode 5 - Broadcast 24/07/20
Openers & closers
Butter dating back 2500 years has been found at the bottom of a loch in Perth and Kinross. Traces of dairy matter were found preserved inside a wooden butter dish, made by an Iron Age community. Archaeologists that made the discovery are now looking for further evidence of a vessel, having uncovered the Anchor.
Work is due to start later this summer to convert a former public lavatory in Glasgow into an Airbnb flat modelled on a Hebridean bothy. Those looking to stay in the accommodation will be advised to make sure they have plenty of change on hand, to ensure the doors don’t open automatically after 15 minutes.
Work is due to start later this summer to convert a former public lavatory in Glasgow into an Airbnb flat modelled on a Hebridean bothy. It will be a good place to stay for those who forget to take their keys when they go out, as the doors open automatically after 15 minutes.
Work is due to start later this summer to convert a former public lavatory in Glasgow into an Airbnb flat modelled on a Hebridean bothy. Minimum lengths of stay will be in operation when the accommodation opens; you can book for 3 nights plus, but you’ll no longer be able to just pop in for ones and twos.
Episode 6 - Broadcast 31/07/20
Openers & closers
Harry and Meghan may never resume official roles within the Royal Family after claims made in a new book about the couple. Extracts claim Prince Harry was angered by William’s ‘snobbish’ attitude after he referred to Meghan as ‘this girl’. It also claims the Sussexes felt other royal households were leaking stories about them to the press. Which has come as sweet relief to Rebekah Vardy.
A Perth pub has installed a shower cubicle as a clever solution to let punters sing karaoke during the pandemic. To keep things extra safe, the pub is providing a silent disco kit, disposable microphone covers and temperature checks. When asked how they felt about the new measures, one customer responded, “at first I was afraid, I was petrified.” (This was used on air with one minor change, they added the word 'well' before the lyrics. Annoyingly, I had done this myself in one draft but took it out! Still, pretty chuffed that this is the first of my jokes that has got on that hasn't needed a huge amount of editing by the great BTN Team 😊)
A seabird from a remote Scottish isle has been tracked flying almost 7000 miles to South America. Montevideo? Naw, but I think Dougie got off a couple ‘a Polaroids.
A seabird from a remote Scottish isle has been tracked flying almost 7000 miles to South America. Caracas? Aye, absolutely mental man. (With apologies again to my Scottish brethren for both of these!)
Episode 7 - Broadcast 07/08/20
Openers & closers
Last month, The Rolling Stones warned President Trump that he could face legal action if he continued using their songs at his campaign rallies. Proving even as the most powerful person on the planet, you can’t always get what you want.
I’ve not seen Skin fasting mentioned as much since that time Hannibal Lecter went vegetarian for a month.*
Skin fasting is what they call meat-free Monday’s at Hannibal Lecter’s.*
Skin fasting is what they call Veganuary at Hannibal Lecter’s.*
*A very similar line to this was used on the show by Jay Lafferty, so it is nice to know I was on the same wavelength as a successful Stand-up 🙂
Episode 8 - Broadcast 14/08/20
Openers & closers
Sean Connery has been voted the best-ever James Bond in a poll. The Edinburgh-born actor saw off competition from all other former 007s in an online Radio Times survey. Mr Connery initially upset the magazine with his response to the accolade, until a transcript of the conversation was received and they were relieved to find that he actually enjoyed reading it whilst sitting at home.
A Shetland Library book has been returned 37 years late to a library 750 miles away in England. The book, To Sea in a Sieve by Peter Bull, was due back in Shetland in July 1983 and was handed in to a library in Suffolk last week. It is not yet known what is to become of the fine that has built up by the lateness of the book’s return, which currently stands at 83½p
A new species of dinosaur related to the Tyrannosaurus Rex has been discovered in the Isle of Wight. Palaeontologists say the discovery was made after 115 million years of searching. So there’s hope yet, for the test, track and trace app.
Ethel the 6ft fugitive emu who spent six days evading police and the RSPCA by sprinting off at 30mph is 'back home' after being captured near a primary school. The discovery was made by a teacher who was surprised to see one of the pupils had buried their head in the sandpit.
A cat has reportedly learned to play the piano to tell its owners when it is hungry or needs its litter tray changed. Winslow, a seven-year-old tabby cat from Philadelphia, was taught to use the instrument to counteract bad behaviour. The system didn’t work at first as the cat kept playing the wrong notes, but he finally got to grips with it once they’d rewarded him with a tuner.
Episode 9 - Broadcast 21/08/20
Openers & closers
A penguin waddling through a village has been picked up by police officers on a routine patrol. Police were on patrol in Nottinghamshire, when they spotted the Humboldt penguin in a village street in the early hours of Sunday. The penguin was said to be really embarrassed by the discovery, finally answering the age-old question: what’s black and white and red all over.
Prof Hugh Pennington of Aberdeen University has said that “Gyms in some ways are more dangerous than pubs.” Which to be fair, is an excuse I have been using for years.
If it takes you five goes to write one simple sentence on WhatsApp then that should be all the indication you need that you shouldn’t be using your phone.
Episode 10 - Broadcast 28/08/20
Openers & closers
France's interior minister has defended topless sunbathing after police asked a group of women on a Mediterranean beach to cover up. The three were approached by officers on the beach following a complaint from a holidaying family. The incident generated a huge backlash against the officers which resulted in tête-à-têtes back at the station, although these were also quickly covered up.
Footballer Harry Maguire has been given a suspended sentence in prison after his trial on the Greek island of Syros. The England defender was found guilty of repeated bodily harm, attempted bribery, violence against public employees and insult after arrest on Mykonos. Manchester United said that an appeal against the verdict has been lodged although commentators aren’t holding out much hope, as it has been years since United got a decent result in Greece.
This is the story about the septuagenarian race for the White House. Well, I say race, more of a slow, careful walk!
And that's it for series 16! Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed the odd one-or-two! I struggled for the last few weeks to come up with anything, but I am proud to have had two jokes broadcast in this latest run, and I'm happy with loads of the ones that didn't make it. Now to crack the Newsjack code...(Spoiler alert!)