Breaking the News - Series 14
This was the first series I submitted jokes to, way back in November 2019! Amazingly, I managed to get a joke on the first week I submitted! What an incredible thrill that was when I heard the show. Being a Newsjacker, I assumed you'd get an email if some material had made it on, but BTN do things differently, so you don't know until the following week if any of your material has made it.
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As you will see from some of the early things I submitted, I hadn't quite got the tone of the show at the time. I like to think I mostly submit in the BTN style these days.
Jump to an episode
Episode 6 - Broadcast 22/11/19
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Openers & closers
David Tennant has been crowned the UK’s hardest working actor in a study of 100 TV and film stars. I mean, it should come as no surprise that someone that works all the hours under the sun is a Tenant. You’ve no other choice these days in order to afford a deposit on your own house.
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A man has been arrested after police shut down a rave involving more than 1000 young people held at a disused carpet warehouse. It’s a real shame that the police shut it down early, as signage around the venue clearly said it absolutely must end Boxing Day. (A version of this made it on Air! The script editors did a great job of changing the set-up to allow the punch to really shine).
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Did you see this week that some Universities are set to offer degrees in emojis? That gets two thumbs down from me.
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Temperatures in the Scottish Glens plummeted to -8C this week; or ‘balmy’ according to the people of Dalwhinnie.
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Noel Gallagher has said that every tweet his brother Liam sends is a nail in the coffin of an Oasis reunion. Rumours that Blur frontman, Damon Albarn has hacked Liam’s Twitter account, are so far unsubstantiated.
Episode 7 - Broadcast 29/11/21
Openers & closers
World scrabble champ wins for the second year running with a score of 140 for GHOSTIER. Unfortunately, this was then followed by a round of BOOS. But it’s not all bad as that was on a triple-word square, so scored 18.
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More than half of over 65’s are keeping a pot of emergency cash hidden away in case their children need it. Whereas more than half of under 35’s are keeping a stash of emergency pot hidden away, in case their parents drop by unannounced.
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Donald Trump is to return to Buckingham Palace when the Queen rolls out the red carpet for a reception with NATO Leaders. All of the leaders will arrive at the Palace in chauffer driven vehicles, with the exception of Mr Trump, as the Queen insists he be collected by Prince Phillip.
Episode 8 - Broadcast 06/12/19
Openers & closers
A man was left stunned after finding Britain’s biggest crisp, a six-inch whopper that he’s going to keep in a display case. It also came as a huge surprise to his wife, as she thought his wotsit was nowhere near six inches.
Spotify has revealed its biggest songs, albums and artists of the last decade, with Drake emerging as the most-streamed artist of the 2010s. Drake’s material has been streamed over 28 billion times, earning the artist just shy of 78 pence.
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A KFC ad has been banned over the phrase “what the cluck?” after complaints that it alluded to an expletive. This has led other fast-food chains to be more mindful of their own advertising. McDonald’s, who are known for the McMuffin and the McNugget, are no longer pursuing their proposed tie-in with Jeremy Hunt.
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Feeding peanut butter and eggs to some babies reduces the chance of allergies. But increases the chance of you being punched, if it’s not your baby.
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It has been claimed that the UK is at risk of running low on supplies of carrots because of torrential downpours and severe floods. Farmers have said the situation is so bad, that their fields look like snowman graveyards.
Episode 9 - Broadcast 20/12/19
Openers & closers
Too many selfies are leading to young people developing a painful nerve condition known as selfie wrist, it has been claimed. The discovery has been made by parents who, when trying to enter their sons’ rooms were greeted with cries of: “don’t come in, I’m taking a selfie.”
A bakery in Norwich is creeping out customers with a bizarre loaf of bread which is made using more than 300 dead crickets. Shoppers are also criticising the loaf for its supposed organic credentials, as there are definitely signs of insect-inside.
A 35,000-year-old disposable cup has been put on display in the British Museum. Historians were able to determine the age of the cup by the markings upon it. They also determined it was likely a coffee cup, as “Ug” was spelt incorrectly on it in black marker.
Britain’s most married man has broken off an engagement to his ninth fiancée. The 71-year-old serial husband claimed, ‘it just didn’t feel right’. His decision was reached after feeling a sudden sharp pain in his side when out walking in an herb garden. Proving conclusively, a stitch in Thyme, saves nine. (Hell of a reach this!)
Sextinction Rebellion – have raised more than £500,000 for eco projects by filming themselves having sex in various forests. Although the group has faced criticism regarding the quality of the footage, with some viewers complaining they can’t see the wood for the trees.
Scottish Tory MP Douglas Ross will continue to run the line in top-flight football after being appointed a junior minister at the Scotland Office. When asked how Mr Ross would cope with the increase in abuse he is likely to receive from the side-lines, he said that he’d just have to get on with it, and do his best. And at least running the line will give him a break from all that in Parliament.
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A Guitar belonging to Status Quo’s Francis Rossi has sold at auction for nearly £120,000. In a change to usual tradition, the event was run as reverse auction, with the opening bid being just under half-a-million pounds. But then the bidding started and the price just kept going down. Down, down, deeper and down.
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Young children who are shown a picture of vegetables are more likely to eat them. Although, this has led to an increase in the number of young children sustaining paper cuts in their mouths.
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The world’s oldest chewing gum has been found and it dates from 3700 BC. It was found under the seat of a 3700 BC bench.
Christmas Special - Broadcast 24/12/19
Openers & closers
Latest odds from William Hill 9-4 Snow in Aberdeen on Christmas Day, 5-2 Snow in Glasgow on Christmas Day, 5-2 Snow in Edinburgh on Christmas Day, and 10 to 9, your granny to start drinking Christmas morning.
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A restaurant has created a Christmas burger topped with pigs in blankets. Those that have tried the festive treat have said it’s quite difficult to get the pigs off, but they do keep it nice and warm.
A third of millennials are planning to host a teetotal Christmas this year - by serving up non-alcoholic beverages to friends and family. Giving 100% of millennials’ da’s the chance to say: “Disnae mayter, I am teetotal. I dinnae drink tea.” (Note to self, don't try to write in Scottish dialect! 😳)
Paul McCartney has Macaroni and Cheese on Christmas day – not turkey. A tradition that dates back to his time with Heather Mills, following an awkward dinner table question of, who’d like a leg.
A woman from Glasgow has accidentally swallowed her two front teeth after eating a mince pie. Knowing all she’d want for Christmas, her quick-thinking husband has wrapped the toilet.
Gavin and Stacey co-creator Ruth Jones has warned that the return of the much loved BBC Sitcom on Christmas day will disappoint some. Most notably, anyone outside of James Corden’s immediate family, every time he comes on the screen.
Round 1: BROKEN CHRISTMAS – STORY TWO
Yes, this is the news that Scots waste up to £235 million on unappreciated Christmas presents. Over a fifth of Scots admitting they often receive gifts that they will never use, including salad tongs, a vegetable steamer and sun cream.
Round 2: PANTO OPINION – STORY ONE
Yes, this is the story that almost half of us are travelling an average of 885 miles to get quality time with loved ones over Christmas. Obviously, some people have to travel much further distances to visit all of their family, but at least Boris Johnson will be able to treat himself with the nectar points he’ll earn when buying petrol.
Round 2: PANTO OPINION – STORY TWO
Yes, this is the news that fewer and fewer of us are watching traditional Christmas Day TV anymore. And nowhere is this more apparent than with BBC One, as its Christmas Day schedule has been accused of having a distinct ring of familiarity to it. BBC One is said to be showing tired, repetitive, dull, old, stagnated, by-the numbers telly, and that’s just Mrs Brown’s Boys.